U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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