If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
