we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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