Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
