did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
