I think my vagina is haunted
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
