I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
