We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
