I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
