i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
