I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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