When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
