I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
