So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
