And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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