Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
