Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
