My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
