Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
