i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
