we're chasing vodka with high fives
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
