im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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