the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
