somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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