I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
