Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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