I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
