I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
