I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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