She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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