my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
