I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You ruined the universe
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
