Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
