My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
