Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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