Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
