I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
