I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
