Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
