He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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