i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I believe in your delicious
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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