he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
