I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
