We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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