Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
