Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
