Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
