So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
