just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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