Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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