My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
