Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
